(KYTX) - From the outside looking in, self-injuring, or "cutting", is a phenomenon most people can't understand; but it's a very real addiction with very real risk, and it's affecting people right here in East Texas.
CBS 19's Courtney Friedman sat down with a recovering cutter, and takes us through her journey to beat her addiction.
Stephanie Scott says she experienced a time so dark she never thought she'd make it out. Even in those times, if you'd have passed Stephanie on the street, you never would have known about the secret behind the smile. You never would have known how much pain she was in.
"I don't remember ever really liking who I was," Stephanie says.
Anger, bitterness, and deep sadness overwhelmed a younger Stephanie Scott.
"It was just always a case of not being good enough, not being valuable, not being worthy, not being special."
It was that self loathing that shackled Stephanie to a darkness she couldn't escape.
"I was a gouger, which means that I carved out pieces of my forearm."
She says the physical pain was far easier to cope with than the emotional torture.
"When you have things in your head that just don't make any sense, you may not be able to deal with that. But I was able to deal with physical pain, and I didn't like it, and it hurt, and it wasn't fun, but at least I knew how to respond to that and I knew how to cope with it," she says.
Addiction counselor Dwayne Cox says it's hard for people to understand cutters. It's hard to imagine physical pain as relief.
Cox says, "They learn that they can cut themselves and even that pain is a diversion from their emotional discomfort."
"It's not something that's well understood," Stephanie says. "I hear that all the time. It's just emo kids looking for attention - but it's not just emo kids looking for attention. It's a way people act out when they need to cope with major things that are going on in their heads and in their hearts."
2 1/2 years ago, that emotional pain became so overwhelming, Stephanie decided to ask for help.
She went to a faith-based support group called Celebrate Recovery.
"Celebrate Recovery is fantastic." Stephanie says. "I have a wonderful, fantastic group of people here that love me. They support me. THey rise up around me to walk the journey with me."
She remembers the first time she admitted her problem to other people.
"I was completely terrified! Oh my gosh I didn't want to do it."
She confronted everything she feared.
"They are going to find out that you really are a loser, that you really are completely crazy, that you are not worthy of their time and attention."
Instead, Stephanie felt something she'd never felt before - happiness.
"They encourage me, they love me absolutely unconditionally and that's something that I've never had in my entire life."
Today, she's still working on her recovery.
"I don't want to relapse," she says. "I don't want to fall back into destructive behaviors. Is the desire still there occasionally? Absolutely. This is going to be something that I struggle with for the rest of my life."
Stephanie promises she'll never give up on herself.
"I am no longer defined by my past. I am no longer defined by what I've done or what's been done to me."
These days, Stephanie's free and living life, for the first time. She says others like her can do it too.
"Don't give up," she says. "Don't run away don't hide, and don't try to handle it on your own. Life is big, and life is scary and life is bad, but there are people around who will care about you if you let them. There are people who have walked the road that you are on, and they want to come alongside you and hold your hand and not let you fall."
Stephanie found her way out of self injury Celebrate Recovery, here in Tyler, but there are other resources you can turn to locally.
Stephanie and others recovering from addictions say the one thing that's not available here locally is an inpatient treatment center.
They all hope one will open here in the future, to help people in East Texas, struggling with addiction.
Addiction counselors say there is a specific way they handle addictions including cutting.
They work with the person until they can stop the addictive behavior, and then begin to deal with the source of the pain.
